Staggering news coming out of All Blacks camp
By Rugby Onslaught

Staggering news coming out of All Blacks camp

The air in the All Blacks’ Parisian hotel is heavy with a sense of foreboding. It’s the eve of their highly anticipated Rugby World Cup quarter-final against Ireland, but the mood in the team’s camp is far from what you’d expect from the 2011 and 2015 Rugby World Cup champions.

Something unusual is happening, and the rumour mill is working overtime. Thankfully, Rugby Onslaught’s famed investigative crew is on the ground in Paris to find out what the hell is going on.

The All Blacks, normally known for their unwavering confidence and unshakable belief in their abilities, seem to have lost their swagger. The players whisper nervously to one another, the uncertainty growing like a creeping fog.

It’s no secret that this particular group of All Blacks, under the leadership of Ian Foster, is plagued by low self-confidence. This is a stark contrast to the legendary teams of the past, who entered every match with the firm belief that victory is inevitable. But now, as they face Ireland, they are haunted by doubt.

The truth? The team has already chartered a flight back to New Zealand before even playing the pivotal match against Ireland. The flight, a symbol of surrender before the battle has even begun, will shock both fans and critics alike.

To make matters worse, there are whispers that Mark Telea, one of the team’s most promising young talents, purposely breached team protocols in a desperate attempt to get deselected from the lineup for the Ireland match. He is rumoured to have confided in a close friend that he is terrified of Ireland hammering the All Blacks so severely that it would be a stain on his career forever. Desperation has driven him to sabotage his own selection, or so the rumours go.

While the All Blacks remained tight-lipped about what Telea actually did, Rugby Onslaught has learned that he attended a team breakfast in a Wallabies jersey and announced he’s moving to Sydney to start a five year residency in a desperate bid to make the Aussie side by Rugby World Cup 2031.

Cam Roigard has also not made the team, although we understand that assistant coach Joe Schmidt demanded the halfback be protected from what he expected would be a ’50 to 60 nil drubbing’ at the hands of his former side. The Irish are just too good, Schmidt probably thinks, better save our best players for 2027.

The day before the quarter-final, the team gathers in their hotel’s conference room for a meeting. The atmosphere is tense, and Foster struggles to instill a sense of belief in his players. He knows that the world is watching, and they need to stand up and fight, not run away.

One of the senior players, Sam Whitelock, rises to speak. He has a steely resolve in his eyes, a glimmer of the old All Blacks’ spirit. “We may be going through a rough patch, and we may doubt ourselves right now, but remember who we are. We are the All Blacks, and that means something. It’s time we stand together, face Ireland head-on, and show the world what we’re made of.”

At this stage, the room descends into raucous laughter, with even Ian Foster unable to suppress a smirk. The NZ boss can be heard whispering under his breath: “That’s why you’re on the bench mate”, which even Whitelock finds funny to be fair.

What now for the once brave All Blacks? Well, online check opens for their Air New Zealand flight home shortly, which will likely have a stopover in Bali for 3 weeks included.

None of this probably happened but it’s impossible to rule out, with absolute certainty.

Tag: All Blacks camp, All Blacks camp